I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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