im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Even my vagina gasped.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
