Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Shame is for Republicans.
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