wanna go halves on a baby?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Acid is not a monday night drug
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
