note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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