I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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