o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
