I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
worst night to have a conscience
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
