i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
