I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
