I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Damn victory sex feels great
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
