I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
