I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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