She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
