you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
