Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
