I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
