Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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