New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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