if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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