Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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