I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
