wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
