Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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