just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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