is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
