i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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