What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Someone signed my nipple.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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