Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
