something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
