You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
