I skipped work to stalk him.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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