Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
