Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
