then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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