K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
