I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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