I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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