im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
