she woke up with a sticky ear
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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