I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
