Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
