i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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