Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My liver just had a heart attack.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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