i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
a search helicopter?!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
