He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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