Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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