I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
