first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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