Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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