I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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