He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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